To Help a Friend Who is Grieving

The most important thing you can do for a friend is to LISTEN!

Don’t try to talk them out of their feelings or tell them they shouldn’t feel that way.

Don’t judge them or try to “fix” them.

Acknowledge that you can see and hear they are in pain.

Don’t tell them you know how they feel – you may not. Let them tell you.

Try to avoid clichés like: “It was their time.” “They are in a better place.” “This was God’s will.” “Life goes on.” “You’ll get over this.” These are not helpful or comforting. Better to say: “It’s hard to understand why these things happen.” “I can see you are really hurting.” “ I’m here for you if you want to talk.”

Be honest. If they ask you for information and you have it, tell the truth.

Tell them something funny or positive that you will remember about the deceased.

Give them space and time if they need it, but reach out to them.

Don’t wait for them to call.

Don’t be too offended if they seem withdrawn or a bit inconsiderate of your feelings right now. They may be less able to respond to you if they are feeling overwhelmed by their experiences.

Talk about the person who died in a natural way. Don’t avoid the topic but don’t go on and on about it either. It helps to share memories, even if your friend becomes emotional.

Practical help – provide food, run errands, mow the lawn, clean the house, take over a job they don’t have the energy to do.

Don’t say: “Call me if there’s anything I can do.” Be specific: “Would you like me to walk your dog this afternoon?” “Can I bring some dinner over tonight?” “Could I come vacuum your house?” “Can I get you something from the cafeteria?”

Send a card with a personal message and a favourite memory about the deceased.

Write a poem or find one that is meaningful for you.

Remember throughout the year. Christmas, birthdays, Thanksgiving, Mother’s or Father’s Day, the anniversary of the death, holidays, may be hard. Send a card or tell them you are thinking about them.

Accept that things may never be “back to normal”. Your friend may be changed by this experience.

Accept that your friend will never “get over it”. There may always be a place of pain and sorrow. You can help them to find a healthy way to live with it.