Jan Bryant - Counsellor and Educator - Article - An Overview of the Journey Through Grief

AN OVERVIEW OF THE JOURNEY THROUGH GRIEF

There are many descriptions or models of the “stages of grief”, all of which seem to imply that grief is an orderly, predictable process. It is not. It is individual, unpredictable and disorderly. It does not progress logically from one stage to another, but ebbs and flows. Sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back. It may get worse before it gets better.

I often describe grief as having themes that recurr. It may be like a spiral where you feel you have dealt with a particular thought or feeling or reaction but it comes around again in a different way.

Nina Hermann Donnelly, author of “I Never Know What to Say”, describes three general phases of grief which give an overview of what might happen. Your experience may be different.

Shock:

which may have two parts:

a) denial – I can’t believe it. This can’t be true. This isn’t really happening.
bb) Acceptance – you understand the facts of the situation but the full impact is not yet experienced.

Shock is like an emotional numbness. People say “I feel like I am walking around in a fog or a dream.” “I can’t feel anything.” “I just feel numb.” I can’t cry.” “I feel separated from the world.” "I feel like I am having a bad dream and it will be different when I wake up." Your body is protecting you from feeling the full impact of the loss.

Shock can last hours, days, weeks, months, or longer.

Hurt:

which usually overlaps with shock.

a) Acute Pain – the emotions of loss are felt. Not all losses with be acutely painful, but the intensity and duration of the emotions may be surprising or frightening. Mourners need to find a way to express their emotions safely. The intensity of emotion may cause some mourners to feel they are “losing their minds”. There is a need to express emotions safely and be understood and supported.

b) Hollow Ache – one may turn inward. It may be a time of re-evaluation of one’s life, values, goals or relationships, depending on the experience of loss. This usually occurs when the loss has been sudden, traumatic, or challenges one’s beliefs about the world. It can be a very lonely and confusing time. This may be an appropriate time for help from counsellors, ministers, doctors, teachers, grief counsellors or a support group.

Healing

This does not mean that you will never feel pain or sorrow again. But your concentration will return, you will have more good days than bad, you will feel joy and have meaning and purpose in your life. The pain of loss does not go away completely but you have found a way to live with it.

This includes accepting that you may not be the same person you were before. Your life may be profoundly changed and you may see the world differently.

You may also have days or weeks when you feel you are healed and then something happens that takes you back to shock or pain. This may be discouraging but is part of the grief journey.