RESPONSES TO GRIEF

There are many responses to grief. A grieving person will not necessarily experience all of these, certainly not all at the same time, but they are all “normal” responses. Help should be sought if the response is extreme or frightening or does not diminish over time.

Physical Responses

pain – particularly in the region of the heart, or areas where one usually feel stress
heart pounding or racing
headaches
muscle stiffness or soreness
dizziness, fainting
trouble breathing deeply or a feeling of choking
appetite changes
unable or uninterested in eating, or overeating, may lose or gain weight
digestive difficulties – nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, cramps, stomach aches
sleep disturbances – can’t get to sleep or wake up in the middle of the night and can’t return to sleep, oversleeping but still tired
nervous, sensitive to noise, especially sudden, loud or crowd noises, or can’t tolerate quiet
absent-minded, accident-prone
restless, unable to sit still, pacing, unable to complete tasks, distracted
lack of energy, tired, exhausted
depressed immune system, more likely to get ill
allergies, skin reactions
hair loss or change of colour

Emotional Responses

crying – can be overwhelming sobbing, or unexpected crying triggered by reminders
denial, disbelief
shock, feeling overwhelmed
sighing – most people don’t realize they are doing this
lose interest in people, activities, may not care about appearance
relief – especially if the person was in pain or suffering, or if the relationship was negative
anger – at doctors, a higher power, the person who died, yourself or the person responsible. Anger may be directed towards people who are not the source of your anger.
irritability
nightmares or dreams about the death or the person who died
withdrawal, not communicating
talking a lot, rambling, repeating conversations or stories
fear, anxiety, panic
despair
envy: of other families, of the person who died
shame: in suicide deaths, death from AIDs or anorexia or as a result of criminal activity

Psychological and Social Responses

guilt - for not preventing the death, even if this was not possible - for things said or done in the past you wish you could take back - for things you promised to do or wish you had said and never did - for surviving
irrational thoughts
bargaining – “I’ll never do ________ again if they can just come back.”
visual images or thoughts that are experienced repeatedly
think you are losing your mind
confusion
can’t concentrate - can’t remember things
memory or time distortion – don’t know what day or time it is
self-absorbed – no energy or interest in others
increased sensitivity to appreciation, criticism or jokes
loss of confidence and security
problems making decisions
increased need for physical comfort and closeness
depression
loneliness or isolation “Nobody understands.” “I’m the only one who has ever felt like this.”
need for rituals
desire to die – to join loved one or escape from the pain (different from suicidal thoughts)
afraid you have a serious illness
“I’m OK” - not permitting yourself to experience feelings
wondering what it was like for the person who died

Spiritual Responses

strengthened faith
loss of faith, may question previously held beliefs
interest in other faith traditions
openness to the spiritual world
may experience feelings of connection or communication with the deceased
Why? Why them? Why now? Why me?
What is the meaning of life? Their life? My life without them?
Where are they now? Is there a heaven? What’s it like? What is my loved one experiencing?
discovery of faith or a spiritual path